Dear someone I’ll never be,
I often imagine what it is like to be you, a person that lives completely pain free, a person that wakes up completely refreshed and energised. Someone that doesn’t start each day by scanning their body to see which parts are hurting and which aren’t. Someone who who can get through what they need to do each day and still have energy to what they wan’t to do.
I can’t imagine what it is like to not have to think about the future in terms of limitations. To not look at ever opportunity and wonder whether it’s something I can actually do. To not imagine your health deteriorating and losing your ability to cope.
I sometimes forget that there’s people like you out there, people who don’t live like this. You see, it’s been so long since I’ve been like you and I’ve kind of forgot what that feels like.
Of course, I have glimpses of what it is like to be you. Good days where I feel normal, like nothing is wrong and maybe even forgot about my illness for a moment. Or days where I’ve pushed through and managed to feel normal for a short while.
But here’s the thing, I’ve got to a point where I’ve learn’t I’ll never be you. Okay maybe not never, but not for a long while at least, perhaps there will one day be a cure and I’ll go back to being you again. I’m not going to say I’m glad I’m not you because that’s simply not true but I do love being me. I’ve learn to accept who I am, take things day by day and put myself first and I’m learning to focus on who I am now and not who I may be in the future.
So for now, I don’t need to wonder what it is like to be you. I need to focus on what it is like to be me and on what I can do. I can’t keep wondering what it is like to be you, I need to accept being me.
Thanks for reading this post in which I wrote a letter to a version of myself who doesn’t have a chronic illness. I wasn’t sure whether to share this but I felt that it could give some insight into what it is like for me living with a chronic illness. Or it maybe be something other people can relate to.
I really hope it didn’t come across as negative or self-pitying that wasn’t my intention at all it was just really a way of expressing myself.
If you haven’t seen the post where I talk about my illness you can read it here:
Also, I just wanted to explain why I haven’t been posting much recently. I’ve been really busy at uni with midterms and assignments. I’ve also been having quite a few low days health wise, so it’s just been difficult to blog. I haven’t been on WordPress much and may have missed some of your posts but hopefully I’ll catch up with some this week as I’m feeling better and have less on. I’m also hoping I can get some arty posts out this week and try to get a bit into blogging regularly again!